Notes on being a highly sensitive person in today’s chaotic world
“Highly sensitive individuals are all around us — it is not a flaw or a weakness, but simply a different way of experiencing the world. We notice more, feel more, and think more deeply, and these traits have helped humanity survive for thousands of years.”
Elaine Aron
It feels timely to be writing about this subject. Over the past month, the world has plummeted once again to an all-time low. Just when you think it can’t get any worse – it does. (Sigh). Living as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in the world right now feels like, well, I can only liken it to having your heart trapped in a vice.
I tend to avoid the news these days. Not because I am ignorant to what is happening on the planet, but because I cannot regulate my nervous system when it is being assaulted every minute of every day with ‘breaking news’ notifications – most of which are negative. It was my son who alerted me to the death of Charlie Kirk within minutes of the shooting in Utah. His phone had launched an algorithmic attack of horrific images of Charlie’s murder directly into his beautiful, blue peepers in real time. Images now burned on to his retinas – without his permission. I mean, what the fuck? Knowing his mum well, he refrained from shoving these images in my face. He knows I carry the HSP trait. And I am not alone. It is present in 15-30% of the population. And let me be clear, this is NOT a disorder, it is a trait – and when nurtured and protected it is powerful.
According to Elaine Aron, the author of The Highly Sensitive Person, it is in fact a survival strategy, found not only in humans but over 100 other species. From an evolutionary perspective Elaine explains how these people would be relied on for their ability to observe before taking action in survival situations. Intensely in-tune with their surroundings, highly sensitive people will often notice subtleties that others miss. A slight change in someone’s tone of voice, the mood of a room, deep sadness in others – which is why these people tend to become overstimulated and overwhelmed easily.
This is NOT a weakness. I repeat – this is NOT a weakness.
I talked about this in my memoir:
“I become overstimulated and sense the world around me at a much deeper level than most, which for HSPs means they are empaths in the truest sense of the word. I feel everything. Not just my own feelings, but the feelings of others. Not just the general compassion we all feel when we see someone suffering; for me it’s a physical reaction to the energies of others around me which can be overwhelming, particularly as a child. It has taken me until my forties to be able to name these feelings and understand them at a deeper level.
As a child I was often told I was dramatic, sensitive, irrational, and moody. This made my school years difficult. I was often misunderstood. I felt as if I had been born with nerves on the outside of my body. Everyday life was an emotional overload, and from a young age I seemed to live in a state of confusion about my feelings, and I didn’t know what to do with them. They were big feelings for a small person. I tried to push them away, bury them, do anything I could to avoid them, afraid that those feelings would bubble up and make a mess for everyone.”
As I entered my teenage years I went ‘off the rails’ thinking it would be easier to just numb those feelings out:
“By the time I started high school, I had become accustomed to wearing my ‘iron mask’ for protection, and I had realised that, as the old saying goes: ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. And so began the long and unconscious process of losing myself. I began smoking and drinking at thirteen years old. Not the best move for an HSP, but I’ve since discovered it’s a survival plan adopted by many.
In the UK it isn’t unusual for most young people to dabble with drinking and smoking, but as I have reflected over time, I’ve come to realise that we are conditioned by the culture we are born into; in our case, that it is perfectly acceptable, and even encouraged, to drink copious amounts of alcohol in particular. My parents drank and their parents drank; everybody, it seemed, drank. My mum smoked, too, so surely that was fine? Drinking at such an early age as a form of both escape and acceptance was dangerous, but I see now it was my coping mechanism. I can see how desperate I was to seek validation from outside of myself. I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I was taken advantage of many times. I knew I had so much more to give, but nobody wanted to talk about the same things that I did, so I took the path of least resistance. It was easier to join in the gossip and escape my true self by using alcohol, cigarettes – and later, for a brief period, recreational drugs. The trouble with all this pretending was that it meant I was often misunderstood by others. I was smart, kind, and thoughtful on the inside, yet on the outside I would often come across as stuck-up, cold, arrogant, self-righteous, opinionated, and stubborn. My protective shield, although comfortable for me, would often push others away, leaving me even more alone than before.”
I continued this path until my late thirties. I was a highly functioning mess. It wasn’t until my brother’s death in 2019 that I finally had the awareness and the courage to make some significant changes and start the path towards protecting my peace.
I was asked recently to talk to a group of women about this very subject, so I thought it might be helpful to share some of my tips on how to navigate being an HSP in a world that seems out of control. And, as always, I will leave you with some good book recommendations!
- Schedule quiet time (find what feels good)
HSP’s tend to crave quiet time. To avoid overwhelm, this is essential. These are ways I tend to carve out time for myself:
· Self-care rituals – this could be anything! A long soak in the bath, solo dates to the cinema, a library, a museum, an art gallery, or a café, watching a film of your choice at home undisturbed, enjoying your favourite bar of chocolate, buying yourself a bunch of fresh flowers.
· Journaling or reading – reading is perhaps one of the greatest ways I can calm my nervous system. And yes, I have tested it out. I recorded my heart rate variability for a few weeks, and it was at it’s optimal level when reading and practising yoga. I have shared here before that I journal regularly. Getting my thoughts and feelings out of my body and on to the paper is incredibly helpful. I feel lighter, and the process calms my overthinking mind.
· Time in nature – finding new places to walk in your local area and of course returning to places that feel calming. If you enjoy horse riding, rock climbing, swimming, hiking – these are all good ways to get outside – and most of it is free.
· Yoga and/or mediation – don’t take my word for it. There is a mountain of research and supporting evidence to demonstrate the calming effects of yoga and meditation on the mind, body, and soul. It is one of the most powerful tools in any HSP’s arsenal.
· Music – this is an interesting one. I no longer listen to music excessively. I became aware that it can heighten my senses in a way that can be overwhelming. I only tend to listen to music in the car, or when I am with my husband. And even then, if I have had an intense day, the silence is better for me. The key is to listen to what your body is telling you.
- Reduce chaos (mind, body, and soul)
· Limit digital overload – I’ve made no secret that I struggle with the sheer volume of technology being rammed down our throats, and for now at least, I am not on any social media platforms. A conscious choice that I have yet to regret. I would always recommend a regular digital detox to everyone, however if that’s not possible then just set some healthy limits.
· Reduce alcohol consumption and foods that are triggering – If it all feels too complicated (as it often does these days), then just go with the 80/20 rule. Make 80% of the food and drink you consume as close to nature as possible and enjoy whatever you consider a treat 20% of the time. For me, if I am too restrictive, I will set myself up for failure and carrying guilt around is way more harmful to the body than any block of Dairy Milk. Oh, and if you only do one thing, let it be this, drink some water!
· Set boundaries in relationships – Speak your truth with compassion. This has become my own personal mantra. Use your words. If there is something you need, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Boundaries are healthy and will often bring you closer to those you love, despite them feeling as if you are pushing them away. It will open up conversations you never thought you would have.
- Reframe & Unlearn
· Recognising all parts of Self as sacred – understand that all parts of your Self have helped you to survive. You may not need all those parts all of the time, but it is important to honour them all and remind them you are the conductor of your orchestra, not them. In short, stop hating on yourself. Most of us are just trying our best.
· Reframing feminine and masculine energies – I grew up in a house of boys, and I continue to live in a house of boys. Not ideal for a Highly Sensitive Person. My yin and yang were completely out of whack for decades. Far too heavy on the yang. Becoming aware of this helped me to think about how this had impacted my high sensitivity and what I needed to do about it. It was (and still is) a gentle and slow process.
· Unlearn limiting beliefs – sensitivity is a strength not a weakness – the end.
· Reclaiming feminine energy, sensuality, softness, and intuition – for me, heading to a retreat in the Lake District helped me to reconnect with this part of me. For other people it may be listening to podcasts, reading books, attending community wellness groups focused on the feminine, or embodiment practices.
And finally, here are your book recommendations – from me to you with love:
·The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.
·Sensitive is the New Strong by Anita Moorjani.
· The Healed Empath by Kristen Schwartz.
· Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed For You by Jenara Nerenberg
Until next time.
Stay human.
Stay connected.
Much love x
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